Resolutions

This year as we waited for the ball to drop in a little beach town in West Michigan, Ben leaned over and asked me if I had any resolution s for 2017. In my typical fashion I stated that I hate things like that, but we named a few things....read more, be more joyful...things of that nature. But guys really, I HATE these things. Its another way to fail. And I hate failing.
 It's another way to dissapoint....yourself or another person, and I hate disappointment.
 Especially when it involves disappointing someone else.
How ironic that the resolution that we have come up with this year would be "to be intentional" I just have this really big feeling that we might be disappointing some people.
 I have a feeling that in the "saying no, so we can say yes to only things that build relationships or build up God's kingdom" could be mighty disappointing.
But oh my word, am I excited about this.
For so long as an individual, I have run around trying to get away with not disappointing, never saying no, giving very ounce of energy without ever filling back up because saying no...to netflix, or game night, or even just cleaning the bathroom when it isnt even dirty because I have nothing else to do, and I can't just stop doing things, I must be moving at all times or I am truly failing at being an adult is....
 JUST. TOO. DISAPPOINTING.
And I have suffered.
And those around me have suffered...because while I could have been giving my all to build relationships, I was half heartedly engaging in small talk because its all my very tired, raw heart could handle.
Having deep conversations with my mentor were few and far between because I just couldn't handle any more emotionally tiring things..or physically tiring if we are being honest.
So here's to a year of saying "YES" wholeheartedly to relationships and deep talks, and for goodness sakes...some sleep.
Saying yes to baking for fun with friends, for working out because contrary to what I've told myself forever it IS productive even if nothing is being cleaned during it.
Here's to focusing on what Jesus is teaching me is important and leaving the other stuff for another day.
Here's to living intentionally.

Blessed beyond measure.

Guys, let me be completely honest with you...this is such a shameless brag post. About my significant other. 

I know, run now.

Make gagging faces/sounds.

Roll your eyes and go to bed ASAP. 

But if you're still reading, I promise that after the moment of bragging, this post is so full of Jesus and His grace, and love, and His pure all-knowingness.

After 2 1/2 hours of discussion, there was a conclusion. 

Now, this wasn't a fight...the situation that the discussion was aboutdidn't actually even directly affect me. I mean, it did. But not directly. Either way, a conclusion was made. My guy's demeanor was back to being that of a normal living human being and guys...

 I AM SO BLESSED.

So blessed that I'm spending time I really should be sleeping, telling you how blessed I am. 

Because God knows how I literally just plow face first into situations without always thinking of repercussions. (I know, it doesn't even slightly fit my personality....God wanted to surprise people when they decided to really get to know me I suppose.) 

He knew that I make decisions based on emotions every day of my life.

He knew that I am literally the most stubborn human being in the state of Michigan, and that when I don't want to do something, and not doing it won't physically hurt anyone...there is no way that I am doing that thing.

He told me to wait for Ben until he was ready to be in a relationship with me. When in reality He was having me wait until I could see what a true gift this guy would be to my life. 

He gave Ben a very opposite personality.

He gave him the ability to  handle these situations with much more grace and thought than I ever would.

He made Ben a listener, and He made him feel things to such a great extent that it makes every decision a large one.

And I am so blessed by it.

And yeah, the discussion was resolved in a way that I thought it should be, and that's fine and dandy ...but that's not what I am blessed by right now.

I am blessed by the kindness, and the amount of thought and time given to making decisions that this man puts into making them.

I am blessed by the fact that God thought so highly of me as His daughter to take such great care in shaping the exact human that He knew so well that I needed to make me less of a psycho-face. 

So, I guess... that tonight, I am blessed by hard decision making, and living life with my love...and God's undeserved grace that He has wrapped it in. 

On Southerners, hospitality, and Jesus.

I grew up in the South, and I would be lying if I said that I had lost all of that Southern pride that we generally have in the last 6 years that I've been away. So take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt, and some prayer...and maybe some sweet tea before you decide that I'm a traitor. (What are we in a war or something? Good grief.)

Southern Hospitality. It's a thing that the majority of us have heard of, yes? People from other parts of our country let their imaginations run wild with this one, they have pictures in their mind of sweet southern belles on long front porches with rocking chairs on them serving sweet tea with a wedge of lemon. We make the best food, we throw the best parties, us southern girls are always dolled up to perfection.
Spoiler, that isn't a thing by the way.
Guys I've met some southern girls who don't know the first thing about true hospitality. (Though they do make some KILLER sweet tea)
And guys, I've met some northern girls who are KILLER at true hospitality and guess what...they also make some darn good sweet tea.
And I'm just convinced that hospitality has absolutely nothing to do with the South. Or the North. Or the East or West or the darn middle of the country.

I am convinced that the art of true hospitality comes from hearts that love Jesus.

I am convinced that you learn by example, and what better place to learn this way of loving people than from Jesus? The Man fed 5,000 people by himself for goodness sake! I don't know about you, but I personally max out at about 20 people without a good crew helping me, and at about 350 with that crew, so you let me know if you can feed 5,000 alone, and we'll chat about that new catering business we are going to open up together.
I also don't know any good host that is willing to DIE for her guests. I love y'all but uh, I'll be the first one diving underneath that beautifully set table if something were to happen that might get us killed.

And I'm not saying southerners aren't hospitable because....hi. I love parties, let's have a big one soon. I'm just saying that I'm done attributing this really fun and great way of loving on people to a few states in this universe and I'm ready to start attributing this whole thing to Christ because I just can't see a way that we can truly practice it without him.
So, let's study up on this whole loving on people through hospitality thing, Jesus style....and then let's really practice it.
....even if you have to serve pizza and Coke to be able to really have the time to LOVE on these humans you are blessed to serve.
Just do it.
Just learn about it from the best Host, and then do it...and if you need some help with your sweet tea, let me know.

He restores...

I remember being about 8 years old, in AWANA, our churches Bible club for kids and being chosen to stand in front of our entire church for our closing program and recite Psalm 23:3. This was no small thing either because we were well known in our Baptist mega church.
I was after all the evangelist's grand-daughter. I worked so hard to memorize it, and practiced in the mirror at home so I would say it just right (all of you who know me well can let out an "ahhh, that makes sense" now that you know how early my perfectionist self started freaking out over being 'perfect')...and when the night came I went up on stage with the others who had been chosen to say Bible verses and I said it loud and clear, and just how I practiced it...and then I never really thought about the verse again.
I always 'knew' it...I can recite it to you to this day..but I never THOUGHT about it again.

Until this week.

This really tough, depressing, sad, I laid in my bed for the entire day crying....week.

Y'all He restores our souls.
Fixes them.
Comforts them.
Renews them.

The deepest, darkest, saddest, most hurt part of each of us....fixed.

No longer broken.

I was taught from a very young age that it's okay not to love people.
It's okay not to associate with certain people.
It's okay to think that it's your way or the highway.
It's okay to force my beliefs down people's throats.

Let me just make a really bold statement here: NOT ONE THING THAT I JUST TYPED IS TRUE.

And guys, when I got into high school, I wasn't really sure that I wanted any of that "church stuff". Because I knew people who weren't Christians that were a lot kinder than the people that were Christians and I'd much rather spend time with the kind people, thank you very much.

10th grade - My family moved to Michigan. WHAT ON EARTH. These people talk weird, they drink thick apple juice that's warmed up, and they wear tank tops when it's 70F outside.
I left everything I knew... including my grandparents, my best friend, and my boyfriend. And I was not at all impressed by it.
My second week of living in what felt like a different country, God sent a rather tall man to our front door with the best tasting pumpkin bread I've ever eaten...and he invited us to the church that he is the pastor of. (Oh, did I forget to mention that the house we lived in was across the yard from a little Baptist church?) God has a serious sense of humor.
My mom didn't really want to try it out, but for some reason unknown to me, we tried it out. My parents would go sometimes after that first week, but man I went every time the doors were open. And to this day, I can not give a tangible reason why other than the Holy Spirit made me walk across that yard and into the building.
I still had so much going on that was not okay, I still believed so many lies. I still really didn't see them as lies at all.
But I loved this church, the people in it, and hey..I met a cute boy there... so I became a member of it as soon as I turned 16.
Like the good Baptist girl that I was raised to be, I said the right things...did the right things when people were watching...and continued to live my life however I wanted to the rest of the time.

I made some terrible decisions in the next few years following that... but I wasn't totally believing the lies anymore. I could see the manipulation, and the hate, and I had to get away from it so that my life would change with my view on the things that I had been taught my entire life.
I moved to Colorado for YWAM, and I came back completely on fire for God.
I came back to my little Baptist church, to the disapproval of people that were very dear to me...and guys if there is one very known personality trait of mine it is PEOPLE PLEASER...and I somehow was able to step back and follow what I knew was right.
I stayed in the church, and that person moved back home to Arkansas, and I have been so blessed by my obedience. I
 am currently able to avoid being right in the middle of some terrible things being caused by none other than the spirit of hate...weird, how that pattern continues if you let it.
In obedience, I gained about 8 brothers and sisters...and their parents who either act like my parents or my best friend, depending on the day and what I need in my life right then.
 And hey, that pastor that came to my door 6 years ago?
He's that cute boy's dad.
And that cute boy? I love him so very dearly, and have the pleasure of having him love me back.

And guys, He restored it.
He restored my relationship with the church, because it was never meant to be broken....He gave me a family that may not be blood, but is the exact family that He wanted me to be in, in this stage of my life.

Restoration happens, I promise.
You just have to let go of what needs to be restored and allow Him to work in your heart first.

TRUTH in LOVE

A theme in my life is speaking TRUTH in LOVE with GRACE. Oh, boy. I am not a graceful person at all, and I'm working on it I promise..even though it really doesn't seem like I am sometimes. And I am not a confrontational person, so that truth part is pretty hard for me too. So basically, I have love down. Somewhat. Kind of. Depends on who I'm loving...lets just say I'm working on that one too. But guys, today my heart is broken. It's been broken for a week now, I just didn't realize how broken or what words to use to express that brokenness until this morning... I walked into my office to find out that an American woman truck driver was waiting in her truck for me to tell her what dock to back the trailer in to. An American woman, who is a Muslim. Immediately my guard went up because "how dare you CHOOSE this, with what has been going on in our country for the past 15 years?" And then this woman got out of her truck and stood at my desk, and y'all, it was so hard to not burst into tears. I had to turn away and shuffle some paperwork for a minute so I didn't look like a psycho.
I don't know what on earth it was about her, but oh man was I convicted. To love her. To speak truth to her. To be graceful. So I prayed over her (silently, I'm still working on this whole confrontation thing, remember) as I got her paperwork ready, as she signed it, as she walked out of my office probably for me to never see again. And I just can't get her out of my head.
I just can't say this enough:
 TRUTH LOVE GRACE.
I realize that in the world we live in, it is way easier said than done. I realize it could be dangerous, or just plain out of our comfort zone. I promise, that 5'2 introverted Ashley realizes that all too well. He never said it would be easy. He never said it would be safe, or fun or that people would be our friend because of it. He just said GO. He said to speak the TRUTH, He said to do it in LOVE, and He said to use GRACE while doing so.
I challenge you to prayer. Nothing else today, but prayer. Pray for people. Not just people who practice Islam. But also people who practice Christianity, and Hindus, and Athiests, people who believe they are gay, people who are straight..and every single person on this planet. Because every single one of us needs Jesus. We all have sin, whether everyone knows about it or no one but you and God. And then maybe in that prayer Jesus will challenge you to a bit more, and unless you want to have an ah ha moment at your desk, I suggest learning quickly what He's trying to tell you, and start going for it pretty quickly. ;)

Being Enough

Commercials are the worst, yes? I think we can all agree...guy, girl, old, young...we all hate them. They're long, annoying, always trying to sell us something, and always much louder than the programming that we are impatiently waiting for to come back on as we shove our raspberry truffle gelato into our faces.
They hold promises of youthfulness, and skinniness, and looking like Jennifer Aniston-ness...Enough-ness.
I call lies. Lies from pit, I tell you.
My Facebook feed for the past week or so has been full of women writing about how they don't feel like they are enough.
Y'all, I struggle with this.
I really do.

Let's get down to the honest to goodness truth and talk about the daily walks of our lives for a minute;

Society (or let's be real here, Satan puts this in my mind each and every day) tells me that if I don't wake up an hour before I need to, make my bed and do an hour of Bible study (don't you dare leave out the journaling), eat a well balanced meal, be dressed to the nines (how dare you leave out the eyeliner on a MONDAY), and be out the door all in that hour and a half time span...my day is a failure. Let's not forget that the house needs to be spotless, a 3 course dinner made, and some DIY projects done by the end of the day.

Guys, if I can just get up ON TIME, down a cup of coffee while struggling to find a pair of pants and a shirt that actually goes together, put on a pair of flip flops that match, and remember my water bottle for the day, IT IS A GOOD MORNING. If I get a few minutes during my day to send my Love a text telling him that he is appreciated, or a few seconds of blissful silence to talk to Jesus while the pot of veggies quietly (or not so quietly) boils over on the stove, and I actually eat dinner at all, IT HAS BEEN A GOOD DAY.
Disclaimer: Bible reading happens, just so late at night/past the time I should be sleeping (oh wait, sleep?) that let's not even talk about it.

You're enough. I promise, There is no one on this planet Earth who can do everything she needs to in a day. If there is such a person, please oh please let me find her. And clone her...or at least follow her around for a few weeks so I can learn how she manages this.

The dishes aren't going anywhere ladies, they'll wait for you to do them...
Another disclaimer: There is a difference in making priorities and letting things get so bad that practicing hospitality is a struggle.
The laundry will also wait... (wear that maxi skirt for the 3rd day in a row, crotchless yoga pants,,,am I right?!)
If you're a night owl, or just struggle sleeping, do your Bible study then instead of the terrible hours before 7am. I promise that the people waking up early to do it aren't learning anything different/better/more godly just because it's early in the morning.

Don't pull your self worth from commercials, or society, or from the lies that Satan would love, love, LOVE for you to believe.

Are you doing what you are doing for Jesus? Is it good, is it helpful, is it loving, does it make people feel appreciated? You're doing something right, keep it up.

Blessings and curses

At 20 years old a girl lays in bed thinking....it seems as if it is the only thing she ever does. THINK about what needs to be done tomorrow.
THINK about the bills that need to be payed.
THINK...and dream...about her future.
None of these things are on her mind tonight.
Tonight she thinks about the words said to her...or not said to her: in the past and in the present.

A distant memory of a parent telling her that she isn't going to find a man that will want a girlfriend or a wife that isn't thin.
A not so distant memory of a parent saying that she should really lose some weight before any pictures are taken, because those memories are forever.
An even closer memory of someone dear to her heart shattering those hurtful words with words of encouragement. "I love you, exactly the way you are. Got it?"

No recollection of anyone who was supposed to say it many years ago, saying the word "proud" at any point in time when talking to her. And when someone says that word twice in one week, she actually has no idea how to respond..because what are you supposed to do when someone is proud of you? "BE CAREFUL NOT TO MESS IT UP." is what quickly runs through her head.

I have a dear friend who often talks about the fact that we speak blessings and curses...about many things; our children, our friends, our homes, our futures...and the list goes on.

Sometimes the most damage can happen when people think that they are being helpful.
Sometimes, you actually don't mean it "that" way at all.

Speak blessings.
Challenge people to grow closer to Jesus.
Have coffee with loved ones, and make them laugh until their sides hurt...
But don't ever make them feel like they somehow need to live up to your expectations of them, when the only real goal in life should be to live a life full of serving God and serving others.

Bold lives

In all honesty, this post has taken me about 5 months to write. I've sat down and written it many times only to erase the entire thing and move on to something easier...why? Because talking about being bold is scary business...the irony is not lost on me.

Being bold is something that I am so passionate about, which is again ironic considering my personality.
The boldness that I am talking about does not come easy to me at all...in fact it is the scariest, most gut wrenching thing ever for me.

I have instilled in you a spirit of boldness, and of leadership.
 You will proclaim My Name everywhere you go.
You will build lasting relationships in My Name.
You will pray boldly, and people will see the difference it makes in your life.
You will be frightened, and that will show people that I am the one that makes all of this possible.

I have never shared these words with another living soul. They were given to me in a prayer session I had almost two years ago in a little yellow room filled with couches, and artwork, and the most comfortable chairs in the world....a room that is used only for prayer and meditating on the Word. A room that became a place of true worship for the next 3 months of my life.

These words are scary.

Being bold means speaking truth.
Being bold means attributing everything lovely in your life to Jesus.
Being bold is crazy.
Being bold is one of the largest ways people see a difference.

Be bold, and crazy, and honest....and do it in genuine LOVE.
Do it because Jesus was bold, and because He has called us to follow in His footsteps.
Do it because it's fun, and exciting, and so scary, and so fulfilling.

I choose to play the game.

Tomorrow, I will choose to pray for my country and our leaders.

I have and I am sure I will continue to see so many things on face book and other social media that quite frankly disturb me,
Before you go and assume that I am talking about a signing of a law, or the fact that "Oh, she's a Christian, she must hate Obama.." lets just get real here for a minute.
The thing that I find most disturbing is the fact that so many that I love dearly carry so much hatred. Posts about how our country is going down the drain and that the cause of it is our President litter my news feed.
Don't get me wrong, I certainly don't agree with most of the decisions that have been made lately, including the most recent signing by the Supreme Court, and that's all good and dandy because...Hey, we live in a free country were it is my right to disagree with it.
But the posts of hatred have to stop if we as Christians are ever going to get anywhere. I mean my word, Jesus Himself walked with sinners and ate with tax collectors. If we are showing hatred we are gaining nothing. If we are speaking the truth in love we just might gain a few more. If we are posting our condemnation on the world on social media more than we are praying about it something is seriously backwards.
Don't be a bench warmer, sitting on the sidelines yelling that "they" are doing it wrong, stand up and play the game, in love showing them the way to play.

The pests aren't welcome here...

I love spring. The sounds of birds waking me up each morning, the sunshine and the warmth it brings with it, the flowers..though not so much the pollen they bring.... and then there are the bugs. 

I'm sure that it is somewhat of a compliment, right? The sticky sweetness of just perfect coffee left over from breakfast...just too good to pass up! But it's when I found that a few or maybe more than a few ants had decided to take a dip in my coconut oil that I could take no more...coconut oil is where I draw the line! 
I had heard that ants really dislike the smell of cloves and cinnamon..which is perfect because I spray those scents everywhere! ...no such luck. I think it might have even made it worse. And then on a hunch I decided to try peppermint. I put a few drops on a square of tissue and put it on the window sill....and in front of my eyes I could see the ants making a run for the crack in the sill that they had been coming in through. Within 5 minutes every single ant had left the premises. 

So there you go folks, the excitement of my morning has ended...all with a few drops of peppermint oil...and hey, my house smells lovely as well!

What if we as the Church just changed?

What if we stopped trying to do everything the way it has always been? 

What if we stopped being so caught up in what we selfishly think is the only way to do things and knelt down on our knees and asked the only One who's opinion really matters?
If we actually got down on our faces and didn't stop pleading for answers until we really got them? 
Communed with God. 
Asked him for HIS vision.
After all, the Creator of the universe surely has a say in how we go about His business.

What if we just quit the fuss, and the bickering, and the gossip, and the backbiting... and just focused on what we were put on this planet to do and started winning people over for the Lord?

What if we stopped being so focused on events, and started focusing on relationships? Stopped worrying about numbers of decisions and started discipling  people who have already made those decisions so that they might "..go into all the nations..."


If we stopped worrying about the color of the carpet and the fact that we don't like the brand of tissues that we are supplied with... and chose JOY. 

If we just welcomed people in with open arms and no questions. Showing them Christ in the best way we can, through our love and through the fact that we are different in such a wonderful way.

If all of these things happened, we still wouldn't have a perfect Church. Not everyone who visits would stay. Everyone still wouldn't be best friends. 

But it would be a whole lot closer to a church that I would be comfortable in if Jesus walked through the front doors.

Why Mom's should stop having New Year's resolutions.

With the start of 2015 I can't help but notice the amount of women on social media that post about their resolutions for this new year. The majority of these women post about "getting fit" but let's just be honest here....getting fit and getting skinny mean the same thing in this situation, it's just a way to say it and feel better about saying it. But we all know what is actually happening here. Measuring waists, hips, and thighs. Buying ridiculous amounts of low calorie foods, protein drinks, and supplements.
All without putting thought into how this effects the younger girls of this generation.

A young girl sees her Mom measuring her waist, and thinking that this must be a normal thing for women to do, asks to be measured as well. This self-conscious  Mama decides it is indeed time for a change in diet and exercise.

And now this thought is planted in this young girl's head.

A few years pass by and this is once again a scenario. Only this time this young girl is very fast turning into a young woman. Perhaps in junior high. And this time it means a little bit more to this young woman because besides boys...weight is one of the most talked about subjects with her friends, and maybe life would be better if she was skinnier or maybe those talked about boys would like her more, or perhaps her Mom would be oh so proud of her if she lost this extra weight in her mid section!
It all begins very innocently.
Watching calories, not eating sweets, a healthy amount of exercise.

It quickly turns into an obsession.
Finding the perfect time of day to weigh on the scale, the time when you have the least amount of anything in your body just so it shows you the number you are hoping for.
Quickly learning that those numbers go down a lot faster if you just don't eat much. Or at all, really.

Ladies where are you teaching the young women in your lives to find their self worth?
In a number on a scale, or in the only One that can truly give us self worth?

When He reminds us of the wonderful things

There are times I just need to be reminded of the good. Of the joyful. Of the wonderful.
I get so brought down by circumstances, or lets be honest... even the gloomy weather.

And I ask Him to remind me of the lovely things in life.

As I cry out that I am "done". With this day. With this week. With this crazy wonderful life that doesn't seem so crazy wonderful at the moment.... He is so quick to remind me of the blessings in this life. So many people that love me. So many beautiful sunsets. So many lives touched, and still to be touched.

And I will continue to be beautifully overwhelmed with everything the Lord has so graciously put me in charge of, of everything He has and will still put on my heart. I will continue to cry out. 

And he will continue to remind me....

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open...

A song is on repeat in my home right now...

A song that talks about not holding on to anything, about my life being in the hands of the One who made me, about climbing life's mountains with open hands.

I so struggle with wanting to start my life's calling as soon as possible.

This has always been an issue for me, even as a girl. We're going somewhere? I want to go now. We're having cookies? I want to eat them now.

And now, as an adult... I know what the Lord has called me to in life, and I want to start it....now.

Up until now, I haven't felt released by the Lord to fully start this season of my life...He has allowed tastes of it, which has left me even more excited.... And now through so much prayer, I feel as if I am being released to fully start the journey! ...but now I am overwhelmed beyond belief.

Where to start? How to start? Do I even know what I am starting? Hardly. I know that a deep hunger for the Word and communion with Him has been planted in me. I know that the Lord has put in me a love to serve others for a very large reason.

There are so many ideas, so much "planning with God" happening. It's so fabulously exciting!...and yet, so scary and so unknown.

Prayer. Prayer is the key to starting this season of my life. Prayer from myself and others! I'm asking to be entered into your daily prayer life! Whether it be a journal...or just done by memory... I'd love for my story to be unfolded through many souls, so that it can be shared for His glory!

I started a blog post around 7:30pm tonight and never finished it...

I'm sure you're wondering why I would bother to tell you this little bit of useless information in the title of this post... It's so important though. I started writing a blog post on how the younger generation (so...mine.) isn't doing enough in the church and how we all need to step up....you get the gist. I was having some serious writer's block. I eventually put it on hold and spent some time on pinterest and watched some baseball/Jimmy Fallon with a dear friend. Either way, I never finished the post...and eventually just headed home.

Now, another little insider to this story: I've been telling another one of my friends how I need to just lock myself in a room for a week and pray the entire time. Figure out my life, figure out what God wants from me (even though He has told me many times in the past few weeks what He wants from me, I just am not a very good listener sometimes)...and all that jazz.

So, I'm driving home.... I hate driving with a burning passion by the way. And I'm like HELLO. You have 20 minutes until you're home, why aren't you praying? I then hear the same voice I've heard all week;

 "I want all of you." 

This sentence has brought me to tears more than once....even in front of my dear small group, simply because as I told them "I thought He had all of me, what else does He want from me, I didn't think I had anything else to give."

 Tonight it brought on full sobs.

(Please just forget that I was driving...it was 1am, no one else was out, right?)
The light bulb went on. A situation I have been struggling with for probably like 2 years, that has me in a state of constant worry and wondering if anything will ever happen to fix it. And the Lord wanted to take it from me.
I think that perhaps I didn't want to give it to Him all of this time.
 I wanted to try and control the situation by myself.

So, as I drove down Pine Island Dr. at 1am I tearfully gave the whole thing to the only One that could possibly do anything about it. This meant giving myself, people, and the future to Christ once and for all. Vowing to not let them distract me without cause. Asking God to show people things in His timing and not mine. And as quickly as the tears came they were wiped away with peace and joy.

So my dear friends, what started as a rather somber post at 7:30 this evening is now ending as a glimpse into my life at 1:45 in the morning.

Tonight I rode a bus in America.

9 months ago, I NEVER would have thought riding a bus in Grand Rapids, Michigan would bring back incredibly vivid memories and feelings.

As I stood at the bus stop in front of Meijer on Alpine waiting for the number 9, that would take us right to the center of Grand Rapids I couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic. Waiting for buses was like my job not too long ago, and I rather disliked it...but my heart strings were still pulled a little bit.
The bus came, and I stepped inside of it, along with the two others that I was with... I held up my wrist to show that I was wearing a wrist band that got me on for 'free' for the duration of Art Prize, and I started walking towards the back of the bus to sit down. Men were sitting everywhere, and my first instinct was to look behind me to see if any older people were following me who would obviously get any open seats and then one of the men would get up and give me theirs, right? Oh, wait... I'm in America. "Just sit down"...I told myself. I thought that this was silent, but it actually came out of my mouth, embarrassingly enough. Then my friend turns and asks where we should sit... "In the back?" He asks... The very back row was empty. Everything inside of me is wondering why he would even suggest such a thing. "Don't you know the very back row is only for men?" This time it's actually only inside of my head, thank goodness. "Let's just sit." I'm actually starting to wonder if this was the most wonderful idea we've ever had. My brain is so confused, I can't even think straight. I sit down next to a lady, probably in her mid 40s and I carefully look straight ahead. My friend Stephanie sits in front of me, and my friend Ben stands up next to me, holding on. My brain is so thankful for at least that normalcy. (Men usually stand and the women sit... if a guy is with you, he usually stands beside you)
Someone pulls the string letting the driver know that they want off, and the speakers that tell everyone to wait and get off when he comes to a complete stop is in English (SHOCKER) and Stephanie is casually looking around at everyone on the bus, while also turning around talking to me. Not exactly proper bus etiquette...is that even a thing?...on the buses that I'm used to!
 I actually can not even handle the bus ride at this point.
And then...we get off, and I'm suddenly positive that I'm in America again. My muscles actually ached from being held so rigidly for the 10 maybe 15 min. that I was on that bus...

So here's to severely culture shocking almost 4 months after coming home..... Honestly the weirdest experience I've probably ever had.

Real happiness.

I'm often jealous of people who have bubbly personalities... and I often find myself trying to figure out why I can't just have the same attitude with life. I mean, I have my moments where I'm all giddy with happiness (probably most often in the fall, because it's my favorite) but more often than not I'm either being just plain embarrassing or I'm being utterly too involved with what my latest thought is. I then catch myself in this and once again wonder why I can't just have a cute smile on my face and giggle at the appropriate times and be happy about everything....

And then I realize that just because these girls are bubbly and adorable doesn't mean that they are happy. And even if they are, it doesn't mean that they are getting their happiness from where they should be.

Real happiness comes only from Christ. Real happiness comes through being grateful...extending hospitality...being forgiving.

Let's go so far as to say that at this point it shouldn't be called happiness anymore, it's called JOY.

Happiness gives the impression that if you have Christ and are doing all the right things, then you will be happy all of the time, and nothing can ever make you sad or angry....which just simply isn't true.

Joy on the other hand makes me think of eyes that shine with love, a heart that can be hurting but still show so much kindness....someone who is not 'happy' but chooses to be joyful anyway.

I feel like whenever we want to be 'always happy' like those 'other people'...we should choose to be continuously joyful in every aspect of our lives.

Stop to smell...or look...or taste.

I recently came upon a quote that made me stop and think not just about how wonderful our Creator is, but also how I spend my day in His creation...

God didn't have to give us cherry blossoms,

He didn't have to make apple trees and peach trees

burst into fragrance.

But God just loves to splurge.

He gives us all of this magnificence and then, as if that isn't enough...

He provides fruit from such extravagance.

-Lynn Austin

It just makes me wonder if I "stop to smell the roses" often enough....

Do I take time in my rather hurried mornings to look at the sunrise?

Am I so focused on driving home each night that I forget to thank Him for the day?

I have to be so careful not to be so busy that I can't fully enjoy just being alive. 

I can't be so full of thoughts that I can't be still and listen.

I can't be so ready to do busy work that I'm not doing what I've been called to do.

Another semester comes to a close...

Today as I was reading all of my wonderful Azeri friends status' talking about the end of another semester there at the English center I couldn't help but be a little sad... I am so missing them and the fun times we had each day. It's hard to believe that I left over a month ago...yet it seems like it has been forever at the same time!
Some pictures that are perhaps not the best in quality and good facial expressions, but also perhaps bring the biggest smile to my face...

When your wondering if you matter...

I'm currently in the middle of a book titled you matter more than you think (check it out, it's pretty awesome) and as I was turning the page that ended the chapter I was on, I was hit with a sudden thought;
In order for this book to be written, published, and sold.... many women needed to feel as though they didn't matter.

In my journey overseas this past year, I have been told many times that Satan likes to pick on your strongest point. He wants to make you feel weak in that area so that it is no longer being used. 

You matter more than he would ever like you to believe.

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm an overachiever by every meaning of the word. If it isn't perfect, I'm not done. It can be so good to have this personality... it can also make you feel like everything is wrong in your world.

I didn't do my devotions this morning and now I'm a day behind. 

My pies didn't turn out how I wanted them to look and taste, and now everyone probably thinks I'm an awful cook.

My new blanket isn't the exact shade my other blankets are, can I even be trusted to decorate my home?!

Do you get where I'm going with this? When you are always ready to beat yourself up, Satan is there with a a baseball bat ready to help finish you off.

When you wonder if you matter, remember the times you have succeeded and not the times you have failed.

When you wonder if you matter, don't hesitate to ask God what His opinion on it is....