Be someone...no, make something.

It's New Year's Eve, and I have wonderful plans tonight...plans that I really should be getting ready for, since today my struggle is having "too many adorable things to wear"...but instead I sit here with a crazy fro for my hair after being in a crazy bobby-pinned mess this morning writing my thoughts.

It always really amazes me how blessed I am with the people God has placed in my life here in Michigan. He knew what neighbors we would have, and what a wonderful church we would live quite literally down the street from. He knew what wonderful pastor's families would be placed in my life. He knew what I needed to be placed in before He placed the real calling on my heart.

After a fun/crazy/snow-filled morning of shopping with a dear friend, we sat in the car as we pulled back up to her home, as I explained that while 'missions' was on my heart, and what I believe is my calling, this church...this wonderful family of Christ that I am apart of is included in this calling.
I don't know why, or how...but I know I will never live long-term on a mission field. Africa is on my heart, and I would LOVE to be able to take short-term mission trips there, but I know it will never be my home. I don't know how, or in what circumstance, but this church is my mission field.

And my mission won't be to be someone in the church, but to make something in this church.

I don't think the younger generation (my generation) really understands that one day, the older generation will not be here to run things. That if the younger generation doesn't step up now, while we're young, what we are so used to being there, won't be. If we aren't willing to step up and take some responsibility, one day the people that are doing it now will be tired of always being asked to do it, and it just won't happen anymore. If the younger generation isn't bringing some youth to things, we will never have a stable young crowd in church to keep things going and it WILL die out.

Even if missions isn't your calling....make the church your mission field.

Make something of the church, not someone of yourself.

Lay it down..

I woke up this morning to a song that we used to sing when I was in Senior High Youth Group..

"I'm trading my sorrows...I'm trading my shame...I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord."

At first, I was a little annoyed, it's a very catchy song, that once in your head it there to camp out for awhile. I started singing it more and more as I was getting dressed though, and the  thought dawned on me, do I do this? Do I lay everything down for the Lord?
Do I "Cast my cares upon Him"? Probably not as often as I'm supposed to.

So many blessings come when we do.

For those who read my recent blog post about my application, right after we got all of that figured out, I found out about some expenses that would need to be payed the day I arrived at school, that I had no idea about. $2,500 + $55 room and key deposit to be exact.
Awesome.

I worried about it for a few days, and when I say worried I'm talking every thought of every day...migraine 24/7 worry.

Then one day I realized that not only was this getting me nowhere, this was most likely something that God was trying to teach me.
So I stopped. Or I tried to stop...but it was what God wanted. Not perfection, just do as He's telling me, I'm going to think about it, but I don't have to worry about it.
The next day...someone gave me $20 at choir practice, because the overheard me talking about it with my pastor's wife.
Last night, I received a check, for $100 from some dear people...because I had come up at the dinner table.

Talk about tears.

I teared up when I was given the check, and when I went home that night, I couldn't help but cry some more. Yeah, I still need a ton of money, but it's coming in ways that are so unexpected....In ways that only God can bring it.

Like a dear friend said to me the other day "You're so blessed, God is going to let you see a miracle!"

So here I am...receiving my miracle, piece by piece.

..and life keeps going.

Sometimes, I honestly don't even have words for what I want to say.

No words for what is on my heart...

No words for the frustration I feel, or the absolute anger.

Today I got a phone call from admissions at YWAM. It seems as though my application (along with $75) was lost in the mail...
My first thought: "Really, God?"
There's so much struggle going on inside of my heart lately. So much anxiety, such a feeling of being lost on what to do or say... (not to mention the stomach flu that is rampaging through my house, which I am sick with at the moment)
The thought that my application could be lost had never even entered into my head. Yet, it's now one more thing on my list. It's not that big of a deal, really. I can resubmit it, send in the money again... It's simply the fact that it happened.
Just another stone thrown my way....

My next thought: "Wow, Satan really doesn't want me there does he?"
After that thought, I honestly have no words.

The overwhelming sense of dread washing over me in that moment is unexplainable.

Prayer.

It's such a powerful thing...something that I do often in the middle of the night. Sometimes it's simply all you can do. You can't always fix situations. You can't always make people happy. You can't always feel okay. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is cry out in prayer.

I have a feeling I'll be doing more talking to God than sleeping on this chilly night...

The impossible...

It goes to the people who deserve it the least.

It's the furthest thing from your mind when people hurt you beyond what you thought possible.

It's impossible without God.

Forgiveness.

When something is done to me...or lets just be honest and include to people I love, forgiveness is the last thing I want to give.
My biggest downfall is that I hate conflict, you would think that would be helpful with forgiveness wouldn't you? Instead, it's my biggest struggle. I don't forgive to escape conflict, I repress. I hide it deep, so that only I can see and feel the pain. Then that person says something, perhaps not even close to the situation, but my mind somehow makes the connection and I'm angry again, this time for a reason that shouldn't even be there, because remember, I forgave them. Except for the fact that I didn't really forgive them.

Can you just imagine how miserable our lives would be if Christ had done this? He died to forgive us. What if he had just died, and 'forgave' but actually was just repressing His anger and sadness, and really was just trying to overlook something that simply can't be overlooked and thrown to the side. Every time we did anything, we'd be on our way to Hell again.
Not that I'm saying that this could happen, as Jesus Christ is perfect, I'm just saying we are supposed to be mirrors of Christ, are we doing that if we can't even forgive, one of the biggest things we associate with Him?

Just a thought I think is worth pondering...

Who said thinking was a good idea, anyway?

This morning, I was driving through our first real snowfall of the year loving the Christmas music that I had playing on the radio and the fact that I had a kiddo in the backseat talking my ear off..until he asked the question "Will you come home for Thanksgiving next year and we'll pick you up like we pick Aunt Leonie up?" Oh my...it hit me that this is very likely the last Christmas I will spend actually LIVING at home... Who knows where I'll be this time next year! The plan is to be in an apartment...so still here at home just not in THIS house. Wow... knowing this will make this holiday season so very different in my mind. The last year I won't be 'coming home' for Thanksgiving and Christmas... Time to embrace this season!! =)

Growing up in the blackberries...

A ten year old girl in a sundress, running through fields of hay. It’s a beautiful picture, one that you can see perfectly, with little imagination. Oh, to be carefree and full of the energy that the little one has. To be thinking of nothing past what you want to do when you get to the other side of that hay field. Blackberries. Yes, she will need to crawl under the rusty barbed-wire fence, and then free herself from the thorny bushes before she can get to the precious berries, but once there the trip is worth it. Her lovely afternoon snack will be worth it all, and maybe she’ll bring some back for Mama, oh how excited she will be.

Sometimes when I think on it, growing up seems like such a pain. So depressing and lacking in fun. You have more to worry about then what fun getting across the field is. You need to think about the fact that you could tear that sundress in those thorny bushes. You could get blackberry juice all down your front. Mama doesn’t know that you’re that far away from the house, what if she needs you for something? Your brother has the ATV out, what if he comes crashing through those bushes and tramples you? There are cows in that field, a few of which are not the kindest and would love nothing more than to chase and take you down.

We MAKE growing up depressing. In the first ‘story’ all you can think about it picturing this adorable picture of a little girl running to her heart’s desire, picking blackberries, having a lovely afternoon. Then the “grownup” thoughts came and that’s when it became depressing. 

Oh, to be like a child. Trusting in everyone; having not a care in the world about appearances.

The child in the story was me, as I’m sure many guessed. The same thing happened almost every day of the summer. As I get older I realize more and more how depressing I am. How often I only look at the things in my life not going just as I would like. The stress, the conflict, the drama. Now, the truth is, is that all those things are a part of my life, and I can’t simply look the other way and let them take their path of destruction, they do need my attention and prayers if I am to ever be sane. However, I don’t need to dwell on them. Instead, look to the opposite. Stress…joy. Conflict…harmony. Drama…peace. Find those things in even the tiniest things in your life, or even among the awful. Satan doesn’t want joy in our lives, if the things he is putting in our lives to make us fail in our daily walk are actually strengthening us, then those things are the last things he wants us to have. If we are praising Christ for the horrible things in our lives, we’re turning Satan against himself, and winning one for the Lord.

Sometimes all we need to do is become children once again. To trust only as a child can.

…“Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 18:2-4 ESV)

The changes we go through...

As I get older, I am more aware of the fact that I am indeed getting older..
When we are young, getting older seems to take forever, and we're never as old as we would like to be.
I've been going through some older pictures (and some not so old ones) and realizing just how much I've changed, not only physically but in every other way as well.

I just find it so crazy to see my life in pictures...