My life.

Sometimes when I am standing in front of my class, I can't believe that this is my life right now. I actually live in the middle of Baku, Azerbaijan.

I sit on the bus looking out of the window each day thinking of how blessed I am, yet feeling so overwhelmed. Thinking that this can't possibly be the place for me, even though I was clearly called to be a teacher here.

I walk to my apartment late each night after classes, trying to be quiet so as to be culturally appropriate, yet I think "I am American, they know we are loud." Yet, I am here to be an example of what America can be, not what it is.

I sit on the metro each day, doing my best to zone out so that I don't see the men staring, yet having to stay aware so that I am safe.

I walk the streets trying not to make eye-contact with the men, and when I do I try not to smile so they don't think I am suggesting something that I am not.

I walk around the Old City with the buildings that are thousands of years old, and can't help but think about what life here must have been then.

I see the children running around in the park with their mothers, and want to run and play with them. I want to talk to them and ask them what their life is like here.

I see the girl walking the street with the broken nose and want to embrace her for hours, and tell her that the violence here is not what God intends for our lives. That the lack of respect for women here is appalling and that he doesn't have the right to do that to her at all, no matter that he is her husband.

I see the beggar on the street holding a 'sleeping' child, and know that the child is drugged and want to shake her and explain to her how wrong it is. I want to shake the person behind the business that the beggar is employed by, whom we never see, but is always there. I want to take the child and make him healthy again, so that his life will not be cut short because of someone else and their selfish desires.

I see how beautiful the city is, and want to take it all in. Sights, smells, the sound of another language everywhere I turn...

I live in Baku, Azerbaijan where almost half of the population of this country lives and I want to make a difference where others simply pass the problem by, hoping it will take care of itself.

Taking a drink from a fire hydrant..

That's what I feel like I've been doing ..

I really don't even know how to describe these last few days here. I'm emotionally exhausted, but in such a good way. I'm physically exhausted, just like every other one of the students yet the Lord is somehow blessing us through it and is still for the most part allowing us to have joy and energy when it us crucial. I haven't really allowed myself to fully retreat until now, but I literally can't even speak I am SO tired, which is the case for a few of the more introverted students here today, including one of my roommates, which is kind of nice, because we have been communicating through looks the entire day, just waiting for a chance to get away, and I decided dinner time needed to be mine since we had an hour and a half before Nation's Night.

We've been sharing testimonies and life stories, which is huge part of the emotional exhaustion I believe...that and just all of new things we are experiencing...and it's only been a week. A week tonight actually.
A week ago today I thought I was having such a rough day with flights and such... which I really was, it was a pretty tiring day, and stressful, but this week...wow.
There are no words to describe this week. God has broken me beyond words.

Day 3!

Today has been a little bit of everything...

We got to sleep in a little bit, but because of the time change I woke up pretty early anyway...

We went on a scavenger hunt, which was 4 hours long, and I think the main point of that was just to let us get a feel of Colorado Springs. The best part of that was The Springs...which is actually one of the biggest Wicken communities in the country, and I could really feel that the minute we drove into the village. You could really just feel the heaviness of the town as you walked through it, and it was really something because even though we were on a mission you couldn't help but be covering it in prayer the entire time.

We also had a Target run which was awesome. We got to pick up anything we might need or want or may have forgotten...shampoo, laundry soap or such..we walked out with way more than what we needed, that's for sure.

The best part of the day by far was after we got back from Target, my roommates and I plus Savannah, another DTS student had some awesome girl bonding in our dorm talking about some stupid stuff, and some really deep stuff...moved some furniture around, decorated a little bit...I think it really helped all four of us transition a little bit.

All in all, I'd say it's been a pretty good day! Exhausting...but good.

Blessed...

Blessed beyond measure. Blessed beyond any words that could possibly define it. The Lord has truly blessed me...

As I get ready to leave this week, I can't help but see how blessed I am. 

I see it in everything. 

My mom helping my pack each and every piece of clothing neatly into my bags....

A dear friend giving me a piece of her to take with me....

A Pastor's family who will pray with me as I'm leaving their house, perhaps for the last time for awhile....

A Church family who with about an hour took my need of $2,295 and dwindled it down to a mere $575....

Be someone...no, make something.

It's New Year's Eve, and I have wonderful plans tonight...plans that I really should be getting ready for, since today my struggle is having "too many adorable things to wear"...but instead I sit here with a crazy fro for my hair after being in a crazy bobby-pinned mess this morning writing my thoughts.

It always really amazes me how blessed I am with the people God has placed in my life here in Michigan. He knew what neighbors we would have, and what a wonderful church we would live quite literally down the street from. He knew what wonderful pastor's families would be placed in my life. He knew what I needed to be placed in before He placed the real calling on my heart.

After a fun/crazy/snow-filled morning of shopping with a dear friend, we sat in the car as we pulled back up to her home, as I explained that while 'missions' was on my heart, and what I believe is my calling, this church...this wonderful family of Christ that I am apart of is included in this calling.
I don't know why, or how...but I know I will never live long-term on a mission field. Africa is on my heart, and I would LOVE to be able to take short-term mission trips there, but I know it will never be my home. I don't know how, or in what circumstance, but this church is my mission field.

And my mission won't be to be someone in the church, but to make something in this church.

I don't think the younger generation (my generation) really understands that one day, the older generation will not be here to run things. That if the younger generation doesn't step up now, while we're young, what we are so used to being there, won't be. If we aren't willing to step up and take some responsibility, one day the people that are doing it now will be tired of always being asked to do it, and it just won't happen anymore. If the younger generation isn't bringing some youth to things, we will never have a stable young crowd in church to keep things going and it WILL die out.

Even if missions isn't your calling....make the church your mission field.

Make something of the church, not someone of yourself.

Lay it down..

I woke up this morning to a song that we used to sing when I was in Senior High Youth Group..

"I'm trading my sorrows...I'm trading my shame...I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord."

At first, I was a little annoyed, it's a very catchy song, that once in your head it there to camp out for awhile. I started singing it more and more as I was getting dressed though, and the  thought dawned on me, do I do this? Do I lay everything down for the Lord?
Do I "Cast my cares upon Him"? Probably not as often as I'm supposed to.

So many blessings come when we do.

For those who read my recent blog post about my application, right after we got all of that figured out, I found out about some expenses that would need to be payed the day I arrived at school, that I had no idea about. $2,500 + $55 room and key deposit to be exact.
Awesome.

I worried about it for a few days, and when I say worried I'm talking every thought of every day...migraine 24/7 worry.

Then one day I realized that not only was this getting me nowhere, this was most likely something that God was trying to teach me.
So I stopped. Or I tried to stop...but it was what God wanted. Not perfection, just do as He's telling me, I'm going to think about it, but I don't have to worry about it.
The next day...someone gave me $20 at choir practice, because the overheard me talking about it with my pastor's wife.
Last night, I received a check, for $100 from some dear people...because I had come up at the dinner table.

Talk about tears.

I teared up when I was given the check, and when I went home that night, I couldn't help but cry some more. Yeah, I still need a ton of money, but it's coming in ways that are so unexpected....In ways that only God can bring it.

Like a dear friend said to me the other day "You're so blessed, God is going to let you see a miracle!"

So here I am...receiving my miracle, piece by piece.

..and life keeps going.

Sometimes, I honestly don't even have words for what I want to say.

No words for what is on my heart...

No words for the frustration I feel, or the absolute anger.

Today I got a phone call from admissions at YWAM. It seems as though my application (along with $75) was lost in the mail...
My first thought: "Really, God?"
There's so much struggle going on inside of my heart lately. So much anxiety, such a feeling of being lost on what to do or say... (not to mention the stomach flu that is rampaging through my house, which I am sick with at the moment)
The thought that my application could be lost had never even entered into my head. Yet, it's now one more thing on my list. It's not that big of a deal, really. I can resubmit it, send in the money again... It's simply the fact that it happened.
Just another stone thrown my way....

My next thought: "Wow, Satan really doesn't want me there does he?"
After that thought, I honestly have no words.

The overwhelming sense of dread washing over me in that moment is unexplainable.

Prayer.

It's such a powerful thing...something that I do often in the middle of the night. Sometimes it's simply all you can do. You can't always fix situations. You can't always make people happy. You can't always feel okay. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is cry out in prayer.

I have a feeling I'll be doing more talking to God than sleeping on this chilly night...