Ah ha moments..

Sometimes, I have "Ah, ha!" moments...or epiphanies as my best friend loves to call them. It doesn't usually have anything at all to do with what's going on in that moment, or what's been said throughout my day, no it's usually spastic..just like me. I had one of those moments tonight, actually it was quite literally five minutes ago, and though it seemed like one of my spastic moments, it wasn't. I could never come up with the words I was about to hear and call it an "Ah, ha!" moment...as it wasn't my thoughts at all. I was reading one of my favorite blogs right now A Holy Experience, and doing a little soul searching as I so often find myself doing lately, as I was suddenly brought to tears. I can't really even tell you why I started crying, I wasn't reading anything very incredibly sad, just another one of this godly woman's accounts of her life in Africa...and then I realized what was going on. 

In this world of craziness I live in, I can't think. This is when the Lord speaks to me. I so heard His very real voice softly whispering in my ear...

 "Stop. Stop worrying. Stop thinking that I can't take care of you. Stop fighting what I'm telling you to do. Stop thinking about what others are thinking. Never stop listening for My voice. Live every day like it's your mission. I've called you to Africa, but stop worrying about how/if you're getting there, and who you're getting there with. Just stop. Rejoice in the everyday. Be excited about the wonderful things happening in your life, and in your heart. Pause in the everyday moments and rejoice that they are there, because they won't always be. Embrace the people who love you. Embrace what I am doing in your life, and walk into it with the faith that I'll get you through every second of it. Stop living, and let me breathe life into you." 

I can't really tell you why that made me cry.

Perhaps the peace that overcame me, when just hours ago, I was talking about how stressed I was. 

Perhaps the fact that I was so very overwhelmed with the fact that He cares for me so much as to give me that peace. 

Perhaps....

Why does it really matter anyway? 

The LORD just gave me peace..through His quiet whisper and I feel like I can do anything He calls me to do...at the moment He whispers again.

Time to go vegetarian again? Or even vegan...

So, I used to be vegetarian..for a pretty short time actually. Like a few months at the most. I couldn't keep with it, because well...it was kind of difficult. However, I had a pretty interesting conversation with a friend today, who used to be vegan, and it brought back all the reasons I was vegetarian in the first place. Yeah, I'm going back to it. This time though, I think I'm going for vegan. I'm not sure though, I haven't completely decided. All I know is that I came home to find something to eat today, and seriously..the ONLY thing I could eat was pineapple. Everything in this house is meat. Looks like it's time for me to go grocery shopping....oh yeah, this is why I stopped being vegetarian, because I'm poor.

Stop Planning...

Lately I've been hearing this conviction a lot. "Stop planning.." "Have faith in what I can do for you.." Obviously, I have issues when I don't have a plan, otherwise this wouldn't be something God is trying to teach me. No but really, I have real issues with this. If I don't know what's coming next, I just might freak out. I have the calling to missions, I have a place I'm going to be trained..but somehow my heart seems to fear the unknown. My thoughts are constant. They are 99% of the time on what's coming next in my life. All that staring out the window, yeah, that would be me contemplating my life. My mind is full of 'What ifs'. "What if the guy I end up with doesn't support my love of missions?" "What if Africa isn't where I end up even though that's where my heart is?" "What if I'm not a good enough missionary?" These thoughts can tear you apart, let me just tell you. I can hardly be excited about the work I can/will do for the Lord when these thoughts consume me. The more I have these thoughts, the more I can hear the Lord telling me to stop planning. Go with what I know now and let Him figure the rest out. No, I have no idea what I'll do after my Bible training. Maybe I'll leave for a different country, or maybe God has some plan for me in the States. All I know is I have to stop worrying about it and give the reins over to Him.